Eric's Place

Update

2008-08-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's August. I had another surgery. Went well.

Here are some recent pics of the girls.

The sad news is about our oldest dog, Wilson. He has malignant tumors throughout his skull and brain. He is slowly declining in abilities. He has lost all of his eyesight and some of his hearing. Our vet has been very good about keeping him comfortable with lots of narcotics. He still wags his tail and is happy to interact with us. When he stops wagging his tail I will know it is "time." That will be very hard.

U.P.P.P.

2008-05-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I had the surgery, it was horrible.

The time in the hospital wasn't so bad. But the pain control after going home was non-existent. And when calling the office, no help was provided, only judgemental cracks.

I would never recommend this mess to anyone. I am just now, 2 weeks later, getting to the point where pain is reasonable. Ugh. Where my uvula and soft palate used to be, now there is just scar tissue. When I drink anything, some of it goes down, some of it goes up the back of my nose. Joyful experience.

On the up side, Caro says she thinks I am sleeping better.

Sleep apnea

2008-03-05T19:43:00.000-08:00

I just saw a surgeon today. I've been on CPAP at night for sleep apnea but not only is it a pain in the butt, I also frequently wake up and find that I've removed it and turned it off in my sleep. Turns out the awake me and the sleeping me have the same feelings about it.

So I saw a surgeon and I'm going to let him roto-rooter my throat, in an attempt to alleviate the problem. Carolyn is pretty sure I'm going to die in my sleep if I don't do something. She's been doing the math on my death benefits and trying to figure out how much she'll have to earn to make up for any deficit. It's all very touching.

So I'll let ya know how it goes. He says two weeks off work and it really hurts. Great.

Signs, signs, everywhere signs

2008-02-04T17:27:00.000-08:00

Ah, memories....

2008-01-02T19:42:00.000-08:00

I was out driving to get gas, when a song from the '70's came on the radio. It instantly took me back to my school days, and... a cold chill ran down my spine. I quickly inserted a CD and enjoyed memories of seeing Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. My painful memories brought a question to mind. When people who favor public education scoff at home-schooling, one of their pet complaints is "How will they ever learn to survive in society?" So my question is, "What is the inherent value in purposefully exposing your young children to emotional trauma?"

Seriously. I guess the idea is that I should have been learning something from all that bullying in public school that would somehow help me survive today at my job. Or something. Maybe in the neighborhood. Mostly what I learned when the bullies were on the hunt was how to avoid them. Not very useful or productive. The fact that the teachers left us smaller kids to fend for ourselves-- not so much helpful. When the teachers WERE the ones doing the bullying (rare, but true), the lessons learned were confusing at best. So I still wonder, "What is the inherent value in purposefully exposing your young children to emotional trauma?"

We all know nasty stuff happens at school. That's the whole premise behind the complaint about home-schooling. The idea is that since home-schooled kids have been sheltered from the playground politics, they can't possibly function in society! It doesn't matter that home-schooled kids actually get to participate in lots of social activities that their parents choose. If they don't get the prescribed number of emotional scars from a good dose of unsupervised public education, then they will be socially inept for the rest of their lives.

I'm not convinced.

I'm hard pressed to come up with anything valuable I learned from the social aspects of my education, that couldn't have been learned in a more supervised atmosphere. Let me know if I'm missing something. There's a chance I might push for Laney to go the home-schooling route.

Family Portrait

2007-12-21T06:12:00.000-08:00

We had our family pic taken recently, turned out OK. I haven't blogged for a while due to our employer blocking this from the computers. Promise to keep up better.

life

2007-09-19T14:57:00.000-07:00

I was laying on the bed, petting Daisy and feeling a great sense of oneness with all that is living, and I had this thought...

What do you call the little 1-millimeter terminal balls on the very top of a head of broccoli? There are about a zillion of them per head. Anyway, whatever they're called, they are each an expression, or piece, of just one life-- one broccoli plant.

What if all of us, all living things, are just different expressions of one life? One life. Not all different lives who need to fight and compete and work against each other for individual gain. Not different races and religions who need to discriminate, and slaughter each other in holy wars. One life, all of us. Trees too, says I. All living things.

Think about it... not so crazy. We don't really know much about life. Roots go down, shoots go up. Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round. That's about all we really understand. Oneness is a foreign concept to some humans, but definitely worth considering.

I know, I know.

Probably just me and Daisy.

Sleep Study

2007-08-31T19:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a polysomnogram (aka. sleep study). It's the strangest thing. You go in and get hooked up to a million monitors and then they tell you "OK, now go to sleep." The bottom line is that I do have sleep apnea, in no small part due to my weight gain the last 10 years, and now I have to decide what to do. They put a CPAP machine on me half way through the night and it was a serious PIA. I'm not in any hurry to go out and get one. Crazy contraption.

But I was really surprised to learn about all the health problems you can have as a result of not sleeping well! The list goes on and on! So my friends, make sure you are getting the rest you need. If you are chronically sleep deprived, you really need to take care of yourself.

YOGA

2007-08-31T19:50:00.000-07:00

Here are some favorite pics of the girls doing yoga together at home. Laney is 4 and Lia is 2.

Dying

2007-08-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

I am finally getting a few minutes to read while the little ones take a nap. I've started a book called "Mind of Clear Light," about which I'm quite excited. I haven't even made it through the foreword and its making me think. Nursing school prepared us for some sissy stuff, but not the real challenges...

I remember the first time I had to coach a death. I was about two years out of school, working in the PICU, and I was taking care of a sick 14 y/o with cystic fibrosis. By the way, Carolyn has discovered that when my colleagues say "sick," we actually mean "dying." Sometimes we understate things.

Anyway, at a critical point this 14 year old kid makes a very grown up decision not to be intubated. This means he is going to die a struggling, suffocating death in the next 6 hours instead of a prolonged quiet death over the next God-only-knows-how-long... could be months. So the doctors all leave, as doctors are known to do when the going gets tough, and the kid asks me if this will be bad. I say, "Yes." I suggest we call the chaplain to provide support, he says he doesn't want the chaplain, he wants me, and could I please hold his hand through the whole thing because his mother can't handle it. THIS is what school did not prepare us for!

I remember the whole ordeal. Took about 4 hours. It was exhausting for both of us.

Since then I've coached a handful of deaths, but that one was the hardest. Didn't help that my only preparation was a willingness to do what I could. Which brings me back to this book!

Lots of good advice on living and dying. The two are inextricably linked, afterall. The subtitle is "Advice on living well and dying consciously." Good information so far and really makes me think about experiences I have already had and people I have known and what I would like in my environment if I am one of those people who doesn't die instantaneously by surprise. You know, if I get to choose going home versus dying in the hospital, or get to choose having people around versus solitude, those sorts of things.

And another thing. I've been thinking about the disagreement between different religions about what happens AFTER you die. I've decided that its OKAY that I don't really know who's right and who's got their signals crossed. My guess is that barely anyone really really knows for sure. Maybe the people who have sort of died and come back can give us a few hints about the first part. Maybe those who really remember previous lives might think real hard and remember the in-between. But then it might be different for different people!

I've decided that for me, its OK to not know. But I do want to hear thoughts and ideas. I particularly like the idea that during the death experience there is an overwhelming sense that all is well and all is as it should be. I'd like that.

Post-Op Thoughts

2007-08-10T17:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I had the neck mass removed about a week ago in the O.R. and spent a night in the hospital. They took pretty good care of me, although they tried to do some procedure on me that I hadn't heard of that wasn't actually meant for me. It was some post-op imaging scan thing in nuc med. My nurse put the ki-bosh on it when she heard they were taking me.

The night in the hospital high on morphine gave me another chance to think about how important it is to keep our priorities straight. With ourselves, that is. I can't tell you what yours should be, but I damn well better know what mine are and be LIVING them.

I think I'm doing OK, but I need reminders to stay on track.

A Better Education

2007-07-30T08:27:00.000-07:00

I've discovered the secret behind the Asian education advantage.

A question

2007-07-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

If you do the right thing for the wrong reason, is it still a good thing? Let's say that right and wrong were black and white, just for fun.

If you put money in the plate in church, but you do it out of a feeling of obligation and without much joy in your heart, does God still smile? (Let's say there is a God who can smile).

Use whatever examples you like, but see what you think of this question.

CPR

2007-07-22T08:27:00.001-07:00

Can't say you've seen "everything" until you've seen a squirrel do CPR on another squirrel. Or they might be prairie dogs...

A dilemma

2007-06-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

The scenerio goes like this: If a train with 500 strangers on it is headed toward your child, and you have a chance to derail the train but it will kill all 500 people on board, would you do it? Nick at work posed this to me a year or so ago and I said it was unanswerable. This book I'm reading has something to say about this...

It says that traditionally more men have been trained on a "justice" ethic which is more a set of rules which apply across the board, regardless of relationships. Someone of this perspective would say that 500 lives are more important than 1, so do not kill 500 people to save 1.

It says that more women have traditionally been raised with a "care" ethic where the nature of the relationship is more important than the rules. Someone from this perspective would say that my child is my child, and therefore no one can blame me for saving my own child, no matter how many people I have to kill in order to do it.

So what does this say about me? Am I conflicted? And for those who want to wipe out a train full of strangers, many of which might be children, I still have a question. If your child is dying of heart failure, but at the top of the transplant list, do you shoot the neighbor's kid to create a donor? Lets say they're a blood relative, for some reason involving a temporary lapse in judgement.

So what would you do about the train? Do you fit the gender stereotype? And what's wrong with me that I don't fit either one?

Professional Image

2007-06-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

So I'm taking this course, and I need to discuss whether or not this is how I want my profession represented (the nurse, that is). Here's what I'm wondering.... Is there a difference between how each of these pictures represents the profession in question? Does either of these two professions have more of a reason to be upset than the other? Any thoughts?

A Lump

2007-06-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

I've had this lump on my neck for, oh, say 5 or 8 years or so. Couldn't get any doctor to really pay any attention to it. They called it a "shotty node" which is medical speak for "we really don't know what the hell is going on in your neck, dude."

But much to my surprise, about a month or two ago, it starts growing like crazy! Just to give you a visual, it looked a lot like this picture. So I start thinking it's probably cancer and I can't believe I let those quacks leave it in this long! I started wondering how I would handle my affairs if I had 1 or 12 months to live and such, and mostly I was upset that neither of the girls would remember me. I got an MRI which said I should get an ultrasound. I got an ultrasound which said "Yep, that's a lump alright." I felt much more informed.

I made an appointment with EN+T and they stabbed me in the neck with a needle, practically as I walked through the door. It was one of those deals where I walked in and you could see the "Oh, shit" on their faces as they stared at my neck. The doc told me he was very worried because of how the thing felt and he asked what had been done about it so far. So I proceeded to tell him about the 5 to 8 years and the shotty node and the MRI and the ultrasound with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of, well, I told him the story. He was unimpressed with my current medical care.

The little asian lady from pathology with the needle in my neck who was pulling pus out of me was fairly optimistic, though. Pus is good. Pus--not so much cancer.

So at the end of the ordeal we came to the conclusion that I had some disgusting thing in my neck called a branchial cleft cyst, full of pus, and I probably didn't have cancer. We'll know for sure when we get this damn thing out of me completely which will be after a long round of antibiotics. Oh yes, that thing's coming out.

The best news is that as far as I know, I still get to be a dad for a while. I know, nobody lives forever. But I'd like to watch them grow some more, and I'd like them to remember me. Other than that, I wouldn't do much differently if I had a short life expectancy. I discovered that I already have most of my priorities set where I'd like them to be.

Here's wishing you a long happy life!

Leprosy and Healing

2007-05-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

My wife shared with me an interaction she had with her son that has me thinking. He was asking what leprosy was. She told him about a disease involving flesh-eating bacteria, social isolation, and a general lack of hope. They also talked about how Jesus was willing to minister to the lepers, and even healed a few. (As a side note, my wife is Unitarian Universalist, and my step-son is half-Christian, half-Confused.) But then the half-confused kid asks a very lucid question-- "Why didn't He just cure all of them?"

Um, well, uh, you see, uh. Hmmm.

So she asks me, mostly because I love these sort of questions. I think the official answer is that we don't know. And that's OK. But first I went through some different viewpoints.

I think the popular religious answer that I have heard the most, involves a serpent and a misguided couple eating a bad piece of fruit. Never listen to a snake. But if memory serves, I thought the result of that temporary lapse in judgement was that men had to toil to grow things, women had to have pain with child birth, and snakes had to be very unpopular with people. Something about trying to crush them under our heels. I swear that was the version they gave us in Sunday school.

A popular practical answer is that no one has ever seen a one-sided coin. It can't exist. We can't have good without bad, or happiness without sadness. Without sickness, we would not recognize wellness when it occurs, you see. So the argument goes. I'm not so sure about this. When not properly medicated, I suffer from a severe, dangerous, debilitating form of depression. It's horrendous when it's out of control. Does it have to be that bad, just so that wellness can exist? I think I would still appreciate wellness even if the illness were milder. But that's just me.

The atheists I know use the existence of suffering as an argument for their beliefs. They say it is nonsensical that an all-loving, all-powerful God would let people suffer.

The response to this is usually that we have free will, and along with it comes a full range of resultant feelings.

Another popular argument put forward by my faithful friends is that it is futile for us humans to even try to understand God's reasons for anything. We simply don't have the ability to understand concepts like God. We are just supposed to have faith. This brings me back to what I said at the beginning, which is that we don't know why Jesus didn't heal all the lepers, or for that matter, everyone who was unwell.

An idea that I find very intriguing is the question of how Jesus' human side played into His life's decisions. If He were simply a deity, without being a man at all, would anything have been different? I don't know.

But it's an interesting question. Some say that it is heresy to ask questions about God. I don't think so. The minister who ran things at my confirmation camp (back in 1978) said that God probably is very much pleased when we use the inquisitive minds He gave us to think about Him.

Lia Napping

2007-05-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

Lia likes to lay up against someone when she sleeps. Here she has chosen the softest and coziest in the house. Daisy is always glad to do her part with child care responsibilities.

Daisy is recovering from an injury to her eyelid sustained when she and Meg had a spat over some chicken. She needed a few sutures in a sensitive area which meant she needed sedation. She's doing well now.

Love in unexpected places

2007-04-30T05:43:00.000-07:00

This tiger was raised in a Thai zoo and was nursed by a momma pig.
When I worked in wildlife rehab I was amazed at the willingness of some moms to adopt. We had a goose, for example, who would parent anyone in need. Truly an amazing spirit. Sometimes I just watch nature in awe.

The whole truth and nothing but...

2007-04-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

Did you know that your eyes don't always share the whole story of what they "see" with you? They're in cahoots (sp?) with parts of the brain in a covert operation. Alarming, isn't it!?! It's like when the front line managers of a company "protect" the CEO by carefully deciding of what the CEO will and will not have personal knowledge. Boss can't be blamed for something they never knew about!!

I've learned a lot about this lately because I've undergone an incredible amount of neurological testing, including brain-death criteria! I've had problems with vertigo, particularly when on the computer, and it has interfered with my ability to work. Lots and lots of tests.

No brain tumor, no seizures, but I do have an abnormality in how my eyes and inner ear communicate with each other (personally, I didn't know they communicated at all). In the process of going through this testing, they teased apart all the different parts of the experience of seeing and perceiving and it was quite a deal to experience it one step at a time, and hear about how it works.

Anyway, as you go about your day, or watch a magician, or whatever, just don't be thinking that something is for sure based on the fact that you "saw it with your own eyes."

Maybe you did, and maybe you didn't.

Sardines

2007-04-01T17:32:00.000-07:00

Ever play sardines instead of hide and seek? I learned about it from reading Fulghum's books. In sardines, one person goes and hides and then all the other kids go out looking for him. If you find the kid who's hiding, you hide there with him. Eventually you have a pile of 14 kids trying to fit behind one Elm tree, while the two remaining kids are looking for them, and they find them because of all the laughter coming from behind the Elm tree.

My friend asked me what happens when we die. We talk about these things a lot. I have different opinions on this, depending on the day, but I hope it's like sardines. I hope we get to laugh a lot and bring others in to our laughter by being together.

Up to date photos

2007-03-25T19:46:00.000-07:00

The girls continue to do fairly well, although Lia refuses to gain weight. She is gradually collecting a team of specialists who are working on her case, but no answers yet. They are very excited about the nicer weather and being outside more.

A coworker's question

2007-03-05T19:03:00.000-08:00

A co-worker posed a question to me which I have yet to answer. I'll rephrase it so that it makes some sense on a blog... If I wish to grow in my relationship with The Divine, should I seek greater knowledge of The Divine, or seek greater knowledge of myself??

The question assumes that I can seperate myself from The Divine. Maybe not to the point of saying "One is here, the other is there, and nary the 'tween shall meet," but at least that the two are distinct. This is only an issue in that the part of me that is Faraday-Taoist / Gospel of St. Thomas / "Split a piece of wood and I am there" tells me that The Divine is not completely seperate from me, but rather somehow in me, in all of us; trees, dogs, you name it. Animating us? Maybe. Life-force and The Divine working together in harmony? Sounds about right.

So anyway, knowledge of self includes an awareness of The Divine IN the self. "The kingdom of God is IN YOU." That sort of thing. So is there an answer to the question for me? Is one knowledge more important than the other?

For me, I think the only "knowledge" we really can have of the divine is what we believe. For me, I believe in the same stuff that every major religion teaches about how we should live our lives (according to their Divine). Love, peace, forgiveness, grace, kindness, and for Pete's sake take better care of each other! For some, seeking knowledge of the divine would involve great Bible study, or perhaps meditation. Not for me. I think I'm ready to meditate on knowing me and knowing God IN me, as St. Thomas might have said.

That's MY answer. It depends on the individual and what they believe about knowledge of the Divine. At least that's my answer for now. As always, I reserve the right to change my mind without notice.

Law Enforcement

2007-03-05T06:32:00.000-08:00

I was trying to plan something to do for our wonderful officers in Overland Park this summer for Law Enforcement week. I have to check with City Hall and see what they already do, but since I am a supportive citizen, I want to do something myself. We really have a great police department. I was thinking about what they do.

Then I was remembering a relatively, um, unhappy view of what police do that I had heard one day, and I wondered what truth there might be to it. The idea was that the police basically keep the poor and debilitated off the streets so that the rest of us don't have to deal with them in our day-to-day lives. Hmm.

We don't have a lot of beggers in my neighborhood. And it's true that if we had beggers going house to house, or even begging on the corner, the police would probably remove them. Hmm.

But what I see them doing on a regular basis is helping people change flat tires, stopping crazed drivers (like me), teaching about safety, responding to emergencies in people's homes, and stuff like that. When I cut my fingers off, O.P.P.D. was there and I was grateful that he offered to secure my home as the paramedics took me to the ER. When our 12 year old decided to go MIA in the middle of the night, Lenexa P.D. retrieved him from the streets of their fair city.

I don't know what to make of the true but uncomfortable idea that one of the functions of our people in uniform is to keep our communities "segregated," in a manner of speaking. Of course not all segregation is bad. We try to segregate wild animals in the wild and domestic animals in our homes. We try, without much success, to keep criminals in detention and law-abiding-citizens in the community.

I don't know. We have a transport now. Which is good because I don't know what the answer is, just lots of questions. What do you think?

We missed it!

2007-02-21T08:26:00.000-08:00

Random Acts of Kindness Week was last week and I didn't even know it. Here's a blerb from the web site--

"Random Acts of Kindness Week focuses on the spirit of hope and goodness. It is a springboard for action. A time to be open, to act upon thoughts of generosity that arise spontaneously from your heart."

Sounds pretty good to me. But as you might expect, I was wondering, "Why just one week?" Of course one very good answer is that we only focus on it one week but we do it all the time. Kind of like eating too much. Thanksgiving may be the grand event, but we hold our own all year.

Animals and Children

2007-01-28T11:19:00.000-08:00

Well, the inevitable has happened...

Old dogs and young children are a dangerous combination, especially when the old dog likes to sleep. On three occasions now, Wilson his bit one of the girls. Usually because he is sleeping and they are rough-housing and they fall on him, waking him suddenly and painfully. I have always been an animal advocate, and this is no different. There's no reason why Wilson should be killed for a normal response. When he is awake and sees the girls coming, he is very gentle with them. they can take his chew toys from him or push between him and his food and he doesn't even growl or raise an eyebrow.

Part of my calm-ish response to the girls' trauma, I think, is the fact that I was raised on a farm with horses, cows, and hogs that were frequently causing us bodily harm. Animals put holes in children. It's what they DO! It's not the end of the world. As a paramedic, it was always the farmers that cracked me up. They would call the ambulance saying they had cut their arm, apologizing for bothering us. When we got there, they would hand us part of their upper body that was no longer attached, and say that they "had to finish the plowing" before going to the hospital. Definitely not wimps.

On the other hand I have a responsibility to be mindful of the girls' general safety, within reason. We have purchased a muzzle for Wilson, as a compromise between death of dog and potential mutilation of children. We haven't used it yet. I just don't know. It doesn't seem right, somehow. He's old and crippled, does he need to live out his golden years with that God-awful thing on his face?

Ugh!

2007-01-15T18:51:00.000-08:00

Well, something unusual happened the other day. I went to use the bathroom at the local public library, nice library, clean bathroom, nice part of town, no worries, and I start doing my business at the urinal. Soon a guys comes in and pulls up to the urinal right beside me. When there were other choices available! Hmmph. EVERYBODY knows, as Seinfeld says, ya gotta have a buffer. One urinal minimum. Unless you are both drunk and you got that way together, then maybe, but even then its sketchy at best. But it gets worse. Common urinal ettiquette dictates that you stare straight ahead and refrain from any talking. Standard procedure. He broke both these rules, going on about the weather and asking questions and such.

But when I thought this guy was just water-closet-clueless, there was a dramatic pause, and then he asks this...

"So, you SINGLE?"

Holy hell.

I cut the flow, reeled it in, and got the hell out of Dodge. And who the hell propositions someone in the bathroom anyway??? About as romantic as a toilet plunger! Was the next line, "Can I hold that for you?" Good grief. It's like when people take their food into the public restrooms with them. Gives me the willies! There's just certain things you don't do in there. In fact, there are a lot of things you don't do in there. I could make a long list, but it would be easier to make a very very short list of what you DO do in a public, pee-infested, restroom. I know, I said it was a clean one, but lets face it, nobody can keep those damn things clean.

So how was your day?

Christmas time is here!

2006-12-11T19:49:00.000-08:00

Unexpected Surgery

2006-12-11T19:39:00.000-08:00

This past Wednesday I woke up with some nasty abdominal pain, and, well, yada yada, I don't have an appendix anymore. My dear wife dispensed with hers four years ago, and now we are a matched set. Anyway, we didn't let a stupid old visit to the O.R. get in the way of our festive Christmas getaway to Washington DC for the Revels! I so much appreciate that my sister introduced me to this tradition. It is exactly the kind of thing I need and crave each Christmas. We also listened to an amazing group of high school kids singing some Christmas favorites at an old building in historic Alexandria, and a jazz piano Christmas concert at the Kennedy Center, and a bit of a contra dance.

It was a great 48 hour escape.

Daisy is invited to afternoon tea!

2006-11-20T09:08:00.000-08:00

Daisy was very excited to get to have tea with Laney and Ducky. Mostly Daisy was excited that I didn't dress her up in some sort of fruity hat. She has her dignity to think about. Laney loves to have tea breaks, and I'm always looking for activities that don't involve the TV.

Patriotism

2006-11-13T19:10:00.000-08:00

I've tangled with the issue of what constitutes "patriotism" for quite a while now, and it really got kicked into high gear when the US invaded Iraq. That really got people talking and thinking. My question is in the area of how you define patriotism. It certainly seems, from all the press, that it must be a good thing, whatever it is. If you claim you are one, apparently you can get away with anything; and if you say someone isn't, you can throw rocks at them or something. But how do you decide whether or not someone is patriotic? Is it by their behavior, by what they believe, what they value?

When we invaded Iraq, one of the biggest arguments I heard going on was around the idea of exressing dissent regarding the invasion. It was clear that supporting military action was patriotic, and anything else was unpatriotic. I found this odd.

My own thought was that if you supported the principles your country is based on, then maybe you are patriotic. So for us that might mean supporting the constitutional rights of others and the legislative process and so on. But this is not what most people seem to have in mind. More like the aforementioned.

So I looked it up! The definition of patriotism is mostly concerned with love of country which is all fine and good, and we can all probably agree on that. But the definitions of patriot, and patriotic, have to do with supporting the interests and authority of your country. Well isn't that a can of worms!!! Where do I start?!?

If my country thinks it has the authority to exterminate millions of Jews, or enslave and cruelly treat millions of African Americans, why can't I voice my dissent without being labelled unpatriotic and having my phones tapped and my e-mail monitored more than it already is?? I know that people who "make waves" will always be watched more closely by the feds, and I'm OK with that. Somewhat. But simple dissent is a good thing. It should be seriously discussed. That's why The Supreme Court has someone write the dissenting opinion! There's always another side to the story!

It would be nice if we always agreed on the things that matter most, like love and family and compassion. But the world is complicated. And our country's founders, for all their faults, had one uniting belief that was true genius. It was the belief that they didn't know everything. The belief that more wisdom would come with time, and that The Constitution would have to be amendable. I hold that if you believe in America and her Constitution (as amended), then expressing your opinion regarding what is going on in the world is not only your right, it may even be your PATRIOTIC duty.

Attachment or detachment?

2006-10-30T19:39:00.000-08:00

I have studied some ideas from some Buddhist teachers who teach the importance of detachment. The idea is that we should not be attached to things of the physical world for several reasons. I don't know if all Buddhists believe this or if it is just some. Anyway, it makes a certain amount of sense to me. We should be focused more on our spiritual world and less on our physical world. OK. Got it.

But then I was studying some stuff from, I think it was called, Heart and Soul Healing. Or something like that. He was essentially teaching total attachment. Sort of the idea of seizing each moment and loving everything around you. Bonding unlimited!

I'm not sure these are mutually exclusive, but they certainly are different. I'm pretty sure the reasonable answer is for each individual to figure out what works for them, kind of like dieting and religion and car buying. And I think some principles that I would want to teach little ones are things like appreciating (being attached to) important personal relationships, and ignoring (being detached from) the random opinions of others regarding how we dance, for example.

A mouse is a mouse!

2006-10-20T12:59:00.000-07:00

Being special

2006-10-11T19:16:00.000-07:00

Just some of my family, relaxing at home.

So today I was reminded of my age-old interest in the idea of being "special." And I don't mean it in the sarcastic, Dana Carvey way. I mean, when a person is growing up and trying to find their place in the world, one of the things they want is to feel like they are really a unique and highly valued individual, unlike any other.

But as part of growing up, you start to learn that there are winners and losers. All the time. Every game or event, even raffles and lotteries have winners and losers. Some kids are called "losers" right to their face, usually by other kids, and some kids are obviously considered winners in different ways. So it's only natural that kids might be skeptical when they hear someone say that "Everyone is special." "No way!! I know how this works, there have to be winners and losers! Being special means you are a winner, and we can't all be winners! If all of us are special, that's the same as saying NONE of us are special!"

Who's really special??

Hmm. So as I got older I continued to ponder this question, and learned a few things along the way. Somewhere in there, I learned that "Pride" is supposed to be one of the seven "Deadly Sins." Alright. So if I ever figure out what it takes to be truly special, is it OK to WANT to be special? Or would that be prideful? And is pride really a sin? And if it is, do I care? The questions are mounting, with no answers in sight.

What about achievement? If I become the best in the world at something, does that make me special? Valued? A winner? Deserving of happiness?

Oh my! See what happened there? Somehow the idea of being a "winner" got itself associated with "deserving happiness!" If there were a referee inside our logic I'm sure a flag would have been thrown. Sadly, we are allowed to think screwy, damaging thoughts at will.

What about great power, or enormous wealth? If I achieve those, will I be special? Get bragging rights? Is it OK to be happy? Will I be fulfilled? Valued? And the pathological thinking goes on...

So about 5-10 years ago, after much thought, I came to what I believe makes someone truly special. And "No," not everyone is special. There actually are winners and losers, even in this. But every individual has their own set of rules to determine who wins and who loses. Some of the people who are winners in my book, are big losers in someone else's book. And that's OK! It all stems from your personal values in life.

I have come to determine that in my life, I value love, cooperation, tolerance, peace, patience, and all those sort of things. One of my friends called me a "tree-hugger." He didn't mean it in a good way. But anyway, my list of special winners are those who value and work for what I listed above. If you are a person who puts effort into furthering any of those causes, then I think you're special. But you can see how this is very different for different people. Hence, I think, the confusion.

I agree with one of Mother Teresa's concepts that relate to this... "I am not capable of doing great things. Only doing small things with great love."

Yes. And I'll not take pride in it, for pride is not my interest; I will just be very happy.

Growing Up

2006-10-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

Just today I was remembering what it was like growing up in Baltimore. Hmmm. Now, those who have known me for a while are split between those who know I grew up in Maryland, and those who know I grew up in Iowa. It's true that I lived in Iowa the first 18, actually the first 22, years of my life.

But it's also true that when I moved to Maryland at the age of 22, I was a scared, frustrated, confused kid, with lots of chips on my shoulder. And when I left Baltimore, only three years later, I was an adult with something valuable that I wanted to offer the world. Also, I had removed the first chip off my shoulder.

How do we even get these chips? Lots of us have lots of them. I know where some of mine come from. Like when I asked my seventh grade science teacher in class to explain about something I didn't understand, and his response was, "You think you're so smart, but you're stupid. I know more than you'll ever know!" He never did explain what I asked about, and I don't know the answer to this day. Is it any wonder I never grew up in Iowa. The phys ed coach also managed to convince me I would never amount to anything. He worked hard at it, and succeeded.

Why is it that we can sue doctors and nurses and even lawyers for "gross negligence," but not educators? Educators claim to be professionals and are now commanding salaries comensurate with their peers of the same academic standing, such as nurses and physical therapists. And I'm not talking about people making small errors, I'm talking about "educators" intentionally trying to squash the curiosity or budding confidence of our children. And you want to talk about damages? Oh baby!

The years of counseling! The huge mess my REAL educators had to clean up when I got to Baltimore! The years of mental anguish and lost time that I could have been enjoying my life before I moved out of state.

I know what some would say... "Oh, come on! You were too sensitive! Who pays attention to what their teachers say anyway? You needed to just buck up and take it. Jeez!" Certainly I know this was how the school board felt at the time. I've asked my Mom about why the school allowed such unenlightened "teachers" to even be in the same room with children, much less "teach" them. I thought maybe since we were a rural school we just couldn't attract any educators. She says it's because the people on the school board back then only cared about the football team. That actually explains A LOT!

I was also thinking about how much parenting is done by non-parents (such as teachers). Siblings, community folk, lots of people actually provide parenting, whether it's a good idea or not. For those of you who still have painful scars, did you know there's help? Yes! And sometimes it works. The psycho-babble name for it is "re-parenting." In some cases, some blessed community member takes a kid under their wing and cleans up the mess. But more often, we end up being an adult who still needs this service. And NO, you don't go hire someone to breast feed you or such. No, you can re-parent yourself. I know it sounds crazy, but it has done a lot of good out there!

Falling Leaves

2006-10-02T17:26:00.000-07:00

Today I took the girls out for ice cream. After we had our treats at Mr Goodcents (Laney's favorite ice cream treats), we went to leave. I was carrying Lia, and Laney was following; at least until we got to the curb. Laney spied some dry leaves that had blown up against the curb, and sat down to play with them. Now there was an instant at first where I was tempted to do the ordinary response, ie. tell her to "hurry up," and yank her away from the curb by her arm, possibly dislocating her shoulder and sending all of us to the ER for the day. But fortunately I remembered the things Leo Buscaglia has taught me about living an extraordinary life. So Lia and I watched...

Laney picked through all the leaves, careful not to damage them, and selected about 6 or 7 that she wanted, and headed for the car. I put her in her car seat and she immediately went to work arranging her leaves in her cup-holder. Then, after appreciating them for a while, she selected the one special leaf to hold in her hands for the remainder of the trip. In retrospect, had I barked at her to "hurry up," not only would I have missed the chance to see nature through the eyes of a 3 y/o girl, but I might have had my "Daddy License" suspended. Holy crap, that was close! The difference between ordinary and extraordinary life experiences is not only fragile, it's fleeting! I have to pay better attention. Who knows what I've missed!

The whole thing reminded me of Leo's story of his leaves on his front lawn. You see, Leo loved leaves. He had no intention of raking or disposing of such colorful, beautiful lawn art. Now, all his neighbors were pretty much lawn-Nazi's. They all had immaculate manicured lawns. So as you looked down the street, it went-- clean, clean, clean, clean, LEAVES, clean, clean, etc.

Well, the neighbors couldn't handle it. So they started offering politely to help rake Leo's leaves if he was having trouble with it. After several rounds of "No, thank you," alternating with more and more aggressive attempts to "Help" with the leaves, Leo came to the realization that his neighbors couldn't handle his love of leaves, and he said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize my leaves were bothering you so much, I'll take care of them first thing tomorrow."

So he called his graduate students and told them to meet him at his house the next morning instead of at the university. He asked them to help him rake all his leaves into bags, and then-- here's my favorite part-- take them all into the house and dump them on the living room floor. Every bag. Then, as you would expect from any great professor, the lesson followed. They all sat cross-legged on the leaves and had a talk. I miss him.

Being who I am

2006-09-30T18:45:00.000-07:00

We saw a movie tonight that got me to thinking about something. Under what circumstances do I feel most like myself? When am I really being me? And also, why would I ever be anything else? Well, I think it depends on what we mean. Do we mean following each impulse without concern for ramifications or outcome? I think there are frequently situations where that would be a very bad idea. Anyone who wants to live in a civilized society accepts the concept that sometimes we should restrain ourselves in the interest of the common good.

But here's another way to think about being ourselves... "When am I being most true to my real self?" This is a little more personal, and less of a societal question. And it's very important, I think, to ponder the answer. Because it is in these moments that self-discovery is more likely. And self-love has a chance. I've come up with a few examples of these moments and I wonder what they say about me. I'll have to noodle with this some more. But in the meantime, I invite you to think about your days and try to figure out when you feel most true to yourself.

Family Time

2006-09-08T22:51:00.000-07:00

Lots of time reading books and playing on the sofa.

Bubbles

2006-09-08T22:46:00.000-07:00

Daisy has lots of fun in the front yard with Caro. It takes a lot of muscle to launch 140 pounds of dog into the air! But for bubbles, it's worth it.

Self-Confidence

2006-08-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

How does self-confidence develop in a child? I've often wondered this, as a person who lacked self-confidence for the majority of the first 30 years of my life. I'm wondering again because my 3 year old daughter is quite passive, by nature. At least we assume it is by nature.

Passive is not a bad thing. I just would like her to also have what we refer to as "quiet confidence." Far from arrogance, we are talking about her being comfortable with herself. The only thing I know to do at this point is to show her that we are comfortable with her being just the way she is, and also to demonstrate quiet confidence ourselves.

I used to ask my friends with children how to teach your child self-confidence and humility at the same time. My father, for example, had these traits. No one could really answer the question. Finally I realized that the question was flawed.

Any thoughts?

Agnosticism

2006-08-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

Can anyone help me with this? I'm having a hard time reconciling the difference between the teachings of Christ and the intentional actions of people who consider themselves Christians. I'm not calling anyone a hypocrit, I'm not really sure where the discrepancy comes from.

For example, "If anyone sues you and tries to take your tunic, offer him your cloak as well." Very good teaching, would make the world a better place. Don't see many people following it, though. And I'm not talking about heat-of-the-moment responses to a threat. I'm talking about a situation where we have time to sit and talk about how we want to act in response to a lawsuit tomorrow.

But let's say that this teaching should be taken not for it's technical phrasing, but rather for it's essence. OK. Someone lifts your wallet and then pauses. Would you ask if he also needs a pair of shoes? If you had time to think about it, that is. Would you offer him a meal?

What about loving our enemies and turning the other cheek? These teachings are consistent and make perfect sense for a better, more peaceful world. If you consider yourself Christian, these are the teachings of your Savior. Why are they KNOWINGLY not followed? Some of my friends say that it is because we are human and therefore imperfect and sinful. That's a great explanation for why we might make a mistake in the heat of the moment. But if we are talking about a hypothetical situation happening tomorrow, and you get to choose your response calmly, today, and you choose a different path, that's not a mistake. That's deliberate planning to not live in accordance with the teachings of your belief system. So what does that mean? I'm not sure, but it doesn't sound good.

So here's another angle... On a national level... Let's say I'm the king of the U.S., and I know that Mexico plans to attack tomorrow and demand all our resources be turned over to them. If my country and I are Christian, how should I respond? From the Christian belief system, our course is clear. Offer them all our resources today (don't make them wait), and offer them something else as well, accompanied by our "Thanks." Thank them for giving us the opportunity to follow our collective faith, and become better people. We will be richly rewarded upon our passing to the afterlife.

Why don't we do it? What's the hold up? I know we can be selfish at heart and don't want to give up our comforts, but seriously, this is important stuff! We're talking about following our faith (if you're Christian) and being richly rewarded! "That which you do for the least of these, you do for me!" Simple stuff and we somehow find a way to drop the ball on a regular basis. Maybe more like a hot-potato.

I'm no exception. I know there are children starving in other countries (even here) and yet I send a small amount of money only. If I professed to be Christian, my course would be clear. Not that I do, but hell, if I professed to be a good person, my course would be clear. But instead, I keep the comforts of my life, and only help in the smallest of ways for those who need so much. And I do it knowingly. Ugh!

This is the salient point that plagues me. We, almost all of us, are guilty in one way or another.

Is it because we think one regular person can't make a difference? Regular humans have shown us how to do it. Mother Teresa made it look easy. The question is not "What should we do?" but rather "Why don't we do it?"

I don't know. And since I frequently find myself saying that, I think I might be an agnostic. "I don't know" is big in my vocabulary.

On a positive note... A sociology student did an experiment to test the theory that "people are just no damn good." He chose New York cab drivers for his test, after hearing numerous times that they were all liars and cheats. For his experiment, he went to New York City dressed like a tourist and intentionally speaking in broken English. He got in one cab after another, and each time asked the cab driver to take him to an address that was about a half block from where he got in, and pretended not to understand where he was. The results were astounding. Over 98% of the cab drivers went out of their way to find an "honest" path. Some repeatedly explained to the man where his destination was and pointed him in the right direction. Some took him there and didn't charge at all, or just charged the minimum. One cabbie got out and walked him to his destination. People aren't so bad.

Helmets

2006-08-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book the other night and I stumble across this interesting thought... Why were helmets invented? These devices are predicated on the fact that we are participating in some activity that is likely to bust our head in two! So instead of stopping the activity, we go to the trouble of inventing helmets. OK. Shaky logic at best, but OK. The logic starts to get dizzying when we think about people who refuse to wear helmets in these activities, and then the people who insist that others wear helmets against their will. I'm sure evolution is involved in there somewhere.

I'm also curious why we insist that our kids wear helmets while biking or roller blading, but we don't wear helmets in cars. I'm not really sure why that is.

Oh Mother, where art thou?

2006-08-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

Did you see this story? This is the largest Panda born in captivity, around 200g or one half pound at birth. Still got the umbilical cord, just for proof.

So I'm showing the picture of this creature to my 3 y/o, waiting for her to turn away in disgust or to complain about how ugly the baby is, and she studies it. Then to me, "Why is he holding it?" I said he was showing it to the camera. Then, very earnestly, she says "It's mommy should be holding it. Where's its mommy?"

Hmm. Fair question. Why is a human hand holding a newly born Panda? In wildlife rescue we learn that the best intervention in most cases is to leave the animal well enough alone and provide opportunities for the parent to do the care properly. We just manipulate the environment as needed to support the family.

Now, aside from the concern over who should be providing the hands-on care to a neonatal Panda, my daughter also reminds me of society's (and my) bias regarding appearances. According to those studies that sociology students keep doing, no matter how many times we ask them to stop, we are all very bad about judging books by their covers. So I set out on a mission. How long could I go without doing that? No preconceived notions based on appearances. It's not as easy as it sounds! First person I see in the hospital in the morning is a dumpy and grumpy looking security guard who looks like he might be "a donkey on the edge." One push in the wrong direction and this guy will either kill himself or, quite possibly, kill the rest of us.

So I try my new outlook and nicely say "Hi." No response. Instead of being discouraged, I tell myself that he is on a tight schedule to go kill himself and he just doesn't have time to chit-chat.

The rest of the day I mostly see people I already know (people I have already formed opinions about and am not about to reopen their cases based on new evidence).

Tomorrow maybe I'll meet some new people and try again.

Terrified Teen

2006-08-04T20:30:00.000-07:00

Well, we did it. Scared the living hell out of the babysitter. We spent a bit of time trying to find her, too. Advertised, talked to people, some trial and error, and then stumbled across this wonderful 13 year old girl who is bright and responsible and good with the girls.

So the other day I am sleeping in, unaware of the fact that Carolyn has booked the babysitter for the morning so that she can do some things, and I decide to get up and walk through the house in only my skivies. Bad. Very bad. I found Carolyn and she brought me my robe. But it gets worse.

By the time the poor kid had recovered from that incident, I was getting ready to get in the shower, being VERY careful to have closed the bathroom door, when Laney comes busting in with the babysitter in tow. Oh my. I doubt she'll ever babysit for us again.

Great Expectations

2006-08-03T16:48:00.000-07:00

What do you expect from your religion or faith? I was discussing religion with two of my friends the other day, going over our theories of what happens when a person of this or that faith die, etc, and I stumbled across my own belief that your faith should be enjoyable. I'm not sure, but it seems to me lots of people do not enjoy their faith.

I guess my opinion comes from my logic that if this is what we believe about the most important things in life, and if life and God and meaning are good and positive, then our religion should not only be enjoyable, but it should also be something we want to practice all the time. It should answer our hardest questions and create new, even more difficult ones.

That's what I expect from my religion.

Laney on the web

2006-07-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

Laney is on the computer!! She has a CD called "Busytown" where you fly a helicopter around town and visit different areas for different activities. Piloting a heli might help her hand-eye coordination, who knows? And if we ever need a back-up pilot at work to cover vacations, etc, she will have lots of experience!

Family

2006-07-28T14:25:00.000-07:00

In case you can't tell what's going on here, Lia is discovering the inside of Daisy's ear. Daisy is very patient with the girls.

Finest Hour

2006-07-18T14:12:00.000-07:00

I've been reading about Sir Winston Churchill and learning about what it was that made him a great figure in history. His speech to inspire his country to stay the course against Nazi Germany aggression caught my eye. It got me to thinking about what might have been my "Finest hour" so far in life. What about our country's finest hour?

I won't go into any detail about what I think might have been mine. It would sound like patting myself on the back or something like that. But what do you think yours might have been?

Also, slightly different topic, I was reading about the difference between intelligence and thinking, and I liked this quote...

"It's not how smart you are, but how you are smart that matters."

Intelligence without wisdom is a dangerous thing.

The wise grandfather I never had.

2006-07-16T14:57:00.000-07:00

I really don't mean this to be a blog about Buddhism, honest. But I have been listening to the tape Caro gave me, and H.H. has been on my mind. Here are some good pics of him from the web. I think he's like the wise grandfather I never had. I never even knew one of my grandfathers, I was terrified of the other one, and didn't really get to know my Dad that well due to the fact that he died when I was 12.

Bittersweet story here about that-- I bought a chipper this season (a long-time dream of mine) and it had to be disassembled to place it in our van. The old man who ran the shop came out with some tools and he and I took it apart together. It was such fun to do this together and chat while we worked! I had the most amazing feeling of, "Is this what it's like for a man to do things with, and have a good adult relationship with his Dad?" Holy crap, I really am missing out on something!

Not looking for a pity party, just an observation of what's important.

My Sweet Daisy and some of the kids

2006-07-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

Here are some photos I like from recent activities. Daisy doing what she does best, and the girls in one pic playing "row, row, row your boat."

Rapture

2006-07-16T11:53:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about rapture, and what it means to me. I have heard definitions such as spiritual ecstasy, state of overwhelming emotion, and mystical experience of divine things. To me, spirituality is that part of life that is non-physical, deeply meaningful, and of great importance to the individual experiencing it. For some, it might include music that moves them, or the company of great friends sharing an experience. For many, the enjoyment of their religion is a spiritual experience. I think this is why the two sometimes get confused.

As my life unfolds, I am discovering what is "deeply meaningful" to me. Having children, both canine and human, has brought more opportunities to explore these feelings. In general, I must be a "caretaker," because taking care of other living things seems to be one place I get a charge out of life. Daisy is such a good dog. I just had to say that.

Occasionally a book or video will trip my emotional trigger. Like that one of The Dalai Lama that I saw many years ago and of which I can't remember the title. Speaking of which, my dear wife just bought me the book on tape, "The Power of Compassion," by H.H. The Dalai Lama. She knows that he is one of my favorite speakers/writers/philosophers.

Anyway, whatever your spirituality includes, make sure you experience it in a good way every chance you get. Rapture may be rare, at least for me, but staying in touch with your spirituality keeps the door open.

As my old mentor Leo Buscaglia said, "Rapture--don't leave life without it."

Dobie Kisses

2006-07-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

Here is the photo I referenced below. The dobie was pregnant at the time of this pic and as the story is told, this firefighter rescued her while fighting this fire. Some say it's not entirely true, but what seems certain is that this dear mother-to-be was giving the firefighter a big "Thank You."

Family Time

2006-07-14T14:12:00.000-07:00

Just hanging out watching TV. Wilson shares his sofa with us. My friend Kay showed me the sweetest picture of a doberman and a firefighter. It has a sweet story attached that is partially true according to some. You can probably find it if you do a search for "doberman and firefighter picture" on something like Google. Good pic no matter what the story is.

Tubby Toast

2006-07-14T14:07:00.000-07:00

Laney has discovered the Teletubbies and loves their videos. They eat round toast with smiley faces and Laney really REALLY wanted her toast to match. The trick, I discovered, is to use scissors to cut the edges. She was VERY excited.

Dieting and nail trims

2006-07-10T17:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went back to being a bit more strict about my diet. My problem is that my favorite foods make me HAPPY. Really. Today, sitting in a boring class, sipping a real Coke, I was pleased as punch. Fell off the damn wagon on day two!

Yesterday I took Wilson to the vet to get his hideously long nails trimmed. When the lady came to the waiting room and called for Wilson, he and I got up to head to the back. Then the lady said, "Nail trim or anal glands?" I swear Wilson stopped dead in his tracks and turned and looked at me. I imagined him thinking, "Dude! Quick! Tell the crazy lady 'NAIL TRIM'"

Ironing Shirts and Such

2006-07-06T18:24:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine recently got married, and her husband was given a copy of the book "How To Iron Your Own Damn Shirt." Her husband refuses to read it. She let us take a look at it and, well, her husband is right. This book was written by a man-hating woman masquerading as a man (named Craig) to try to gain male readers.

It's not a bad book, for a woman to read for a laugh. You don't even have to be a man-hater to enjoy it. I suspect that most women with a sense of humor would enjoy it. It takes a somewhat humorous look, through a woman's eyes, at the differences between men and women. It goes into some detail about how women are right about everything and men just need to get over it.

I think maybe it's OK that men and women are different, and even OK that we don't really understand each other. Keeps things interesting. As most of you know, the trouble comes when we stop appreciating each other.

Cute dog pics

2006-07-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

I just love dogs (the above are not mine, in case you're new to this blog). The other evening I was on the couch watching TV with Daisy, and I thought I heard an unusual noise in the yard. Instead of worrying, or investigating, all I had to do was look at Daisy. She wasn't worried about it, so I didn't have to either. They know what's what.

Cynicism

2006-07-03T16:01:00.000-07:00

I don't think of myself as a cynical person. I'm usually the one in the room saying something like, "Wait and see, maybe it will be OK." But today I saw a commercial asking for money for the Christian Children's Fund, and I couldn't get over the feeling that a whole hell of a lot of that money goes to line administrators' pockets. I don't much like organizations that collect money and then don't provide any services. Possibly more importantly, what if I'm wrong? What if I refuse to give anyone any money, when maybe some of the organizations actually are doing good work?

Shouldn't there be someone, someone who is unbiased, that I could contact to find out what percentage of monies each organization actually pumps into the intended recipients? When a friend of mine was in New Orleans after the hurricane, he said it was amazing how many many people had come to the area from all over to help do whatever they could. He also said two organizations were strangely absent-- FEMA and The Red Cross. What the heck were these huge organizations doing with all the donations? Grass roots operations seemed to be the only ones doing any good.

I'd really like to help some of those kids in third world countries. Let me know if you know how I could do it without lining the pockets of some wealthy administrator.

Late note: I have just learned of a site called "Charity Navigator" that claims to evaluate charities independantly. I don't know where they get their info, but it might be legit.

Squirrel Math

2006-07-01T23:18:00.000-07:00

Kids have it a lot harder in school today, it's getting harder and harder to help them with their homework. Take, for example, this story problem from my step-son's seventh grade test:

"Assuming mutual consent and mutual clarity of sexual identity, how many of the following squirrels can you prove to be homosexual or heterosexual?"

Presidential Quotes

2006-07-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

Just a question... Which of these quotes do you think sounds most like our Commander in Chief?

1. "Anyway, if the banking industry won't conspire to compromise the rights of its fellow Americans at the behest of a Republican Administration, then my party is pretty much fucked. I mean, after all, they're bankers!"

2. "At about this point, I'm sure many of you in the press are gonna turn on your bitch-faucets and let flow all that First Amendment bullshit, even if that means mentally checking-in to the Retard Zone."

3. "I believe the American people agree with me, or, at least, a fanatically rabid quarter or so of them do."

4. "And by the way, who gave The New York Times a copy of The Constitution? We almost had the Bill of Rights flushed down the toilet until those commie bastards got involved."

Love Knows No Boundaries

2006-06-30T22:38:00.000-07:00

The Wet Spot

2006-06-29T21:26:00.000-07:00

You know how it is, nobody wants to sleep on the wet spot. I have a new situation which is reminiscent of that. We have a twin bed pushed up against our queen bed so that my wife and I and our two big dogs all have somewhere comfortable to sleep. Wilson, Caro and I sleep on the queen bed. Daisy dear starts out on the twin and as the night goes on comes closer and closer to me until we are spooning by about 5AM.

Well, now the little humans (1 and 3) have invaded the queen bed. Between Wilson and me. This is a whole new dynamic. The 1 year old kicks intermittently and the three year old thrashes at random. But the biggest problem is that some poor soul has to sleep on the crack between the two beds and it seems to be me! I don't know how Daisy ever did it.

profile

2006-06-27T07:46:00.000-07:00

I changed the pic on my profile, Carolyn thought the other one looked too "slick."

Sick Calls

2006-06-27T07:07:00.000-07:00

I've been working on a new project lately. My employer has a policy that I find unusual. The upshot is, when you call in sick, your supervisor asks you what the nature of your illness is. If you don't give them the details, it is considered insubordination and the disciplinary process is started, and you can be fired after a few incidents.

My concern is multi-fold. First of all, if your illness happens to be something you would like to keep confidential, you don't have that option. Second, you have to share potentially embarrassing information with the person who does your evaluation and controls your pay raises. Thirdly, it sets a precedent that is concerning, ie. that the employer has a right to demand information that is normally kept between a patient and their care provider.

I was sure this was a violation of some sort of federal regulation. The human resources person I talked to said that there was no violation and that this was legally supported. So I talked to the US dept of Health and Human Services who administers the HIPAA standards of confidentiality of health info, and they were no help. Talked to the US Dept of Labor, and they said it doesn't fall under any guideline that they regulate. Talked to the US EEOC and they said that unless we are talking about a disability, they don't deal with it. Talked to the MO dept of Labor, they wouldn't touch it. Called the MO Attorney General, they said to talk to the dept of Labor.

HR says the employer has the right to this information to arrange staffing, consider infectious disease concerns, and so on. Well, there are other ways to deal with those concerns. Whether or not the employer has the right to this information, or if the employee has a right to privacy seems to not be covered by legislation, according to the people I called. I called an employment attorney, he said he had never dealt with a question like this. Personally, in some rare situations, I would rather provide a letter from my physician stating that I am under their care and when I will be able to return to work.

Does your employer have the right to know the nature of your illness, even if it is a rare situation in which you would like to keep it confidential?

Cows

2006-06-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

Can't remember who I was arguing with the other day, but they didn't believe me that I knew someone who had six cows as pets, and they are much like dogs in terms of temperment and desire for affection and attention.

Well, this is her daughter Amy, spending some time with Mac, who weighs several hundred pounds and loves the child dearly.

Personally, I don't eat cows or pigs or any other mammals for that matter. I used to be vegan and if I weren't so lazy, I would be still. For now, suffice it to say that cows, if given the chance to show it, are sentient and wonderful creatures.

AirForce Bake Sale

2006-06-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

I saw a great T-Shirt the other day. You may have seen it around. It said:

It will be a fine day when all the grade schools have the supplies they need, and the AirForce needs to have a bake-sale to buy a bomber.

Makes you think. I do wonder, why are so many willing to die while FIGHTING to somehow create peace, but so few willing to die while being peaceful to create peace?

Does anyone know?

Speaking of work...

2006-06-10T14:56:00.000-07:00

We had a heck of an assignment a couple days ago--Twins being born 3 months prematurely in a small rural town, and only one team available. Fortunately, weather was good for flight and we got there quickly by helicopter. The docs were waiting to emergently C-section the mom until we got there, so that WE could do the resuscitation.

I was working with an awesome partner that day. One baby had a good outcome, and we were able to get her stable enough to fly back to KC.

A very difficult day for everyone involved.

Angela's Question--My Work

2006-06-09T12:29:00.000-07:00

It's a good question... Why do I do what I do? Aside from the deep philosophical part of the question, there is the simple question that Angela poses which is more intended to regard picking a career.

I was sold on biology immediately in my first semester at ISU. As a result, I considered veterinary medicine. I also considered human medicine and some other biology-related fields. I ran out of money after two years in college working in food service and doing custodial work, and therefore switched to paramedic school which I could afford, finish quickly, and achieve gainful employment in a biology-related field. Also, I was tired of cleaning up college-kid-puke from the dorm bathrooms every weekend as part of my work study.

Turns out switching to paramedic school was one of my best decisions ever. Loved it. Pay was a problem. This was 1986, and when I went from basic EMT to paramedic I got a whopping raise from $5.00/hr to $5.25/hour. I soon learned that I couldn't make the type of living I wanted on this pay, but I had discovered work that I enjoyed. The rest is history.

I would like to be a vet if I could work for an emergency veterinary transport service that is very well funded and has all the coolest equipment to take good care of ailing tigers and lion cubs and penguins and dogs and such.

Thanks for the question!
Eric

Funerals

2006-06-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

I saw a TV show yesterday where a funeral was part of the story line. It's funny how after you die, friends and family from all over the globe get together and get dressed up and say nice things about you. Things they would never say to your face when you're alive. Very odd.

PS. I'm going bald in a hurry. A little scary.

Parenting

2006-06-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

Hi

This morning was a mess. Some wise person said that parenting a teenager is like trying to nail Jello to a tree. Sounds about right for when I was a teenager. My mother set expectations and I tried to weasel around them secretly when I felt the need.

The standard now, apparently, is different. The disobedience is neither hidden nor subtle. Right in your face. Wow! I think now it's more like trying to nail explosives to a tree.

If my Dad had been alive when I was a teenager, and I flew in my mother's face like that, I don't think I would have lived to see my college days. But I guess it's normal for parenting to change like everything else.

Hope you are well!

Meet my wife--Carolyn

2006-06-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

Hi! This is a pic of my wife that got approved for posting. This is from our first adoption trip to China.

Wilson Dog

2006-06-04T14:27:00.000-07:00

This our dear Wilson. Wilson is quite old. Physically he is 13 or 14 years old, but his soul is MUCH older than that. Like many with a hard childhood, he has wisdom beyond his years. My ex-wife and I agreed that his soul is over 900 years old. Like Yoda he is.

Wilson and his brothers were rescued from a bad person who raised dogs for fights. When Wilson's mother became pregnant, the owner stopped feeding her in order to get rid of the "problem," and all the little "problems" in her uterus. She managed to carry the pups to term living on what she could find and raised them for a few months until a neighbor called the Sheriff and complained about the cruelty of the dog owner. A rescue group took the whole lot of them in, and Wilson came to us for medical care and rehabilitation.

He looked much like an Ethiopian puppy when he came to us at about 4 months old. With lots of TLC and medical care, he has become a strong-willed alpha-dog in our house. His body may not be strong, but his resolve to run a tight ship certainly is. He suffers many long term health effects of his initial malnutrition, but he holds no grudges against humans. He is very much a people-dog. His disabilities don't prevent him from laying his head in your lap when you're on the sofa; and to him, that's what counts.

We appreciate having someone as old and wise as Wilson around. I don't run into wisdom as often as I'd like. And sometimes I don't recognize it when I see it. By the way, I've always wondered, why is it that we don't appreciate our elders in this culture as much as some others? It could be because once a person gets to a certain age, they talk alot about their bowel habits. When I ask "How are you?" I am genuinely interested in your wellbeing. I do not, however, need to hear about anything that happens in the bathroom. If your bathroom catches on fire, I'll make an exception and you can tell me all about it.

But aside from the intestinal status dissertations, why don't we value our elders more? Considering the amount of courage it takes to enter our senior years with quiet grace and dignity, I think we should be cherishing them more.

Which reminds me, I should give Wilson another treat.

Point/Counter-Point: Justifiable Violence?

2006-06-04T11:49:00.000-07:00

Is violence ever acceptable? The example most people usually argue for is self-defense. What about pre-emptive strikes in the name of self-defense? What about violence to protect our way of life?

My favorite teachers about life so far have been Leo Buscaglia, The Dalai Lama, Jesus, and my day-to-day experiences. Leo probably would have said (he has passed on) that violence is never a good solution, but that sometimes it is the only solution, in limited form. He was more interested in teaching about Love than fighting. The Dalai Lama would say, and has demonstrated, that it is better to avoid violence, even if it means giving up some things that are very important to you, in the interest of a greater peace. Jesus' teachings are interesting. He was a little rough in the temple, turning over tables and such, when he was angry. But I don't think he would support killing to defend our way of life. Probably not pre-emptive strikes of any kind, either.

My day to day experiences have had some lessons. The other day I stopped at a gas station to get a Coke, and there were a few people in line ahead of me. The young lady right in front of me was in her twenties, and there was one in front of her being helped. Now I should tell you that this was during a time that people were heavily debating a bill on the right to carry concealed weapons. Proponents called it "The right to carry," even though people already had the right to carry visible weapons, while opponents called it "Your right surprise my ass with a 9mm out of nowhere."

So this guy walks in, middle class looking, and he cuts in line in front of the lady in front of me. Having just covered assertiveness recently, I decided to politely provide information to him in case he was unaware of the line. I brightly said, "Hi, the line is over here." He turned angrily, gave me his best "Go to Hell" look, and pulled back his jacket to show me the handgun he had crammed half-way down his britches. Imagine my surprise. Not that some dingdong in KCKS had a gun in his shorts, prior to the bill being voted on, but rather that he was willing to pull rank in this way in order to save 5 minutes in line.

Depending on your definition of violence, this action may or may not have been considered in that category. It was certainly a threat. Had I enough time to think about it, I might have said, "Are you serious?" Or something witty to defuse the situation with humor. But instead I was so dumbfounded that I just turned around and became all the more convinced that this concealed weapon bill was not going to be good for anyone.

And the question applies at all levels. From international politics, all the way down to personal interactions. I don't know if I would kill in order to possibly save my own life. I probably would kill to protect my daughters, but this is not necessarily because I think it's right, it is because I am selfish and I want them to live.

A friend asked me this: If a train is headed toward your child and will certainly kill them, and you have a chance to derail it but 500 strangers will die, would you derail it? I said that I could not answer the question. My cohorts who were in on the conversation agreed immediately that they would derail the train. Wouldn't even hesitate.

So my question for them is, "If your child needs a heart transplant to survive, and they are next on the list but running out of time, would you go out and shoot some kid in order to create a donor?"

Daisy Recovering

2006-06-03T16:21:00.000-07:00

Daisy is recovering well, she's getting some rest and enjoying the chicken enchiladas she gets with her meds. She is very good at spitting out pills, though.

Lia - The youngest

2006-06-03T16:01:00.000-07:00

This is Lia, my youngest. This is our best pic of her. She has some nagging health problems such as coughing, vomiting, and fevers. Our doc is still trying to figure out what is going on with her. Her favorite thing in the world is to do "Row Row Row Your Boat."

Brenda and Scooby

2006-06-03T15:53:00.000-07:00

Here is a pic of my dear friend Brenda and her wonderful Golden named Scooby. They look so happy (and they really are).

Point/Counter-Point: Health Care $

2006-06-03T15:15:00.000-07:00

I've become concerned recently that my current rationalizations that have protected me from confronting absurdities and inequities in several areas of life have become less convincing. One example is where health care dollars are spent and, more importantly, where they aren't.

The specific example that recently jarred my brain was an educational offering I attended which discussed the zillions of dollars that are spent every year taking care of near-drowning victims, even after it is clear that some of them will never have a meaningful life again. These tend to be the ones who had no pulse for over 30 minutes and had no CPR initially and such. We here in the States get quite squeamish about discontinuing medical support once it's been started, even if it is only minimally successful. And all this is fine and good as long as no one gets hurt and there are plenty of rehab beds to keep these folks on ventilators for many years to come.

The reason this did not sit well with me was because of the recent press about regular folks dying willy-nilly in underdeveloped countries because of a lack of basic necessities such as food, shelter, vaccines, antibiotics, and so on. Cheap stuff. Hmm. I was starting to get a little uncomfortable in my seat. I actually raised my hand at one point and was going to ask the drowning-guru about this but I decided I should mull it over some more. Mulling hasn't helped.

Now let's dispense with the extreme positions held by my far-right acquaintences who say that rural Africans (for example) deserve to die; either because-- A) they were born in a poor country and they should have known better than to be born there, or B) because as Africans they probably aren't Christians and therefore are better off dead anyway. I think Pope Urban justified the crusades that way and it makes about as much sense now as it did back then.

But what about realistic thoughts about this sort of thing? I'm not even interested yet in how to fix this mess, I just am curious how we can justify the amount of money we spend on highly questionable things and how much aid we don't provide to other countries.

If my child were a near-drowning survivor with minimal brain function I don't know what I would want for her. And, of course, someone will raise the point that letting my loved one go will not help anyone else survive, it will just allow the insurance company to make a bigger profit which they will pass along to their wealthy stockholders.

But seriously, does anyone have any intelligent thoughts on why we do what we do?

2006-06-02T19:58:00.000-07:00

My dear, sweet dog, "Daisy," enjoying some quality time with Dad.

Daisy is recovering from invasive surgery right now, and her puppy- energy is not helping with the "keep her quiet" orders from the vet.

She is a Dane-Mastiff mix.

Laney and Me

2006-06-02T19:46:00.000-07:00

Here is a recent pic of me and my oldest girl, Laney. She was almost three in this pic. She is healthy and happy and doing great. I hope to get her interested in martial arts soon. My hope is that by the time she attends kindergarten, she will be a blackbelt and will be comfortable neutralizing any threat that she encounters in the classroom. I have a vision of the boy behind her in class pulling her hair, and then she calmly walks to the front of the room and quietly explains the situation to the teacher before asking, "Would you like to handle this or shall I permanently resolve this myself?" I know I can't always protect her. I wonder if Daisy could go to school with her??

2006-06-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

Hi, and welcome to my blog. I entered this picture in a post so that I could attach it to my profile. I'm still learning about all this.